


The Frogs and The Lobsters; Or, How to Steal Scenes and Intimidate People

by FlirtyFroggy



Series: Hornblower Commentaries [3]
Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Commentary, Episode reviews, Essays, Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-10
Updated: 2011-07-10
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlirtyFroggy/pseuds/FlirtyFroggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These commentaries started out as 'early reactions to the series from someone who's just getting into it'. I've been so lax in writing them, though, that I've now watched it about a zillion times and they seem to be turning into 'vague commentary coupled with ramblings from someone who has thought about this waaaaaaaaaaayy too much'. Oh well, never mind. That's fun too. Here we go...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Frogs and The Lobsters; Or, How to Steal Scenes and Intimidate People

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Bamber Bunnies](http://www.bamberbunnies.com/) October 2008. Probably doesn't make a lot of sense if you're not familiar with the TV series. Somewhat Archie-focused as ~~I love him~~ it was written for a Jamie Bamber fansite. For the same reason, this series of commentaries does not cover Archie-less episodes.

'Twas a damp and foggy day. Come on, it's England. What else did you expect? Captain Pellew is meeting with Admiral Lord Hood and General de Charette. Lord Hood is informing Pellew of The Brilliant and Insanely Optimistic Plan to Take Back France for King Louis. Riiight. Okay then. Good luck with that.

A clueless sailor saunters through London while shady characters follow him ominously. He glances nervously about from time to time - perhaps the Dramatic Music is making him anxious. Horatio is getting tarted up in a brand spanking new uniform. Pellew accepts his orders reluctantly.

Clueless Sailor is unsurprisingly attacked. He looks surprised by this.

The tailor informs Horatio of the cost of looking so dapper. Horatio looks worried so the tailor knocks a few pence off. Horatio, it seems, despite the promotion, is not flush with cash. Maybe there's a recession looming.

Pellew argues with Admiral Hood about the wisdom of General de Charette's 'plan'. They come across Clueless Sailor bleeding to death in the lobby while another clueless sailor massages his chest in a way that can surely only increase the blood flow. He was carrying a copy of The Brilliant and Insanely Optimistic Plan and it's been taken. Gosh! Pellew, who is sane, asks the question everyone wants answering, 'What if they fall into enemy hands?' Hood brushes aside his concerns. 'Well, we do not know that. They may be at the bottom of the Thames.' Yes, and maybe they're on the moon. Maybe aliens came down and swept them off to Alpha Centauri. Maybe fairies took them. Maybe Mr Tumnus, in a fit of pique, mugged a passing sailor and then scarpered back to Narnia. But it's not very likely, is it? Pellew agrees with me (not about the Narnia bit. Probably) but Hood is adamant. The Brilliant Plan is to go ahead. 'His Majestey's government have decided. And they are not in the habit of changing their minds.' And doesn't it always work out so well for them. In deference to Pellew's concerns, Hood orders him to wait for the General on the off-chance it all goes catastrophically wrong. Pellew looks thrilled.

Pellew and Horatio return to the Indefatigable; Horatio still looks dapper, Pellew still looks pissed off. Bracegirdle teases Horatio with a joke that was probably incredibly old even in the 18th Century before Horatio heads below decks to show off his fetching new uniform to the others. Archie dances around him, grinning and checking out his backside. Put Archie in a frock and this could be a ballroom scene from Pride and Prejudice. We find out that Archie is now Acting Lieutenant Kennedy. Go Archie!

Styles and Mathews ~~flirt~~ banter with Oldroyd on deck. Styles throws a bucket of water at Oldroyd, soaking him through. I should comment on the wonderful friendship that exists between these three, but actually all I can think is that this scene would be better if it took place between Horatio and Archie. Because I'm shallow like that.

Pellew somewhat snippily informs his officers of The Brilliant Plan, though he neglects to mention the part where they will probably all end up dead.

It is throwing it down at the docks as the French arrive. Horatio and Archie are unimpressed by their appearance. 'The word shambles might be more appropriate'. Archie is no more impressed by the English soldiers. Which leads me to:

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 1.**

 **Look simply smashing in your uniform. Naval officers, no matter how good looking they may be, tend to look a bit battered around the edges, even when they have shiny new uniforms. You should look as though you have just stepped out of the pages of Regimental Vogue. Hair should be tightly plaited and bound; it should not look as though you tied a ribbon round it some time last week and then forgot about it.  
**  
Horatio introduces himself and Archie, and Archie can't resist making his feelings known about the general spiffiness of Edrington's men. Archie is on top snarky form in this episode. Fabulous.

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 2.**

 **Do not allow smart-mouthed Navy officers to get clever, however cute they may be. They should be slapped down as quickly and as snarkily a possible, lest they get above themselves**.

General de Luded-Optimism delivers a speech to his men in such slow, clear and basic French that even I, with a B in GCSE French 11 years ago, can get the gist of it without Horatio's translation. The English officers look on with bemused expressions. See? They've got something in common already.

Edrington slaps the Dynamic Duo about a bit with his title, leaving Archie wearing his unimpressed face. 'You see, Horatio? Had you been rich enough to buy yourself a commission as well as a new uniform, you could have joined the army instead.' With one brilliantly delivered line, Archie slams Edrington for buying his position, condemns the entire Army for being full of people like Edrington, and also harks back to the Archie of the previous episode who was so bitter about the ease with which Horatio had risen. God, I love him. L.O.V.E.

Horatio meets Colonel Moncountant. They obviously don't feed the guest actors very well on these shoots as Antony Sher seems to feel the need to snack on the scenery. The Colonel's baggage contains a guillotine. I'm sure he just has some really big vegetables he needs to chop.

Everyone crowds onto the ships and they head for France. Pellew broods over The Brilliant Plan, there is an enjoyable scene with Styles and a chicken, Horatio attempts a joke about a bridge that only he finds amusing and there are some pretty shots of the ships in full sail.There is lots of talking about the plot but very little actual plot.

Apparently they have Duty Free Shopping on the Indefatigable. Archie has bought himself a new silly hat, this one shaped like a plant pot. Explanation, anyone?

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 3.**

 **Make disparaging remarks about your incompetent allies, even if they outrank you. It is best to be seated on horseback while you do this, just to make doubly sure a) everyone can see you, b) everyone knows you are better than them. If you can threaten to flog your allies while doing this, so much the better.**

Styles and Oldroyd are clearing a dung-cart so they can transport the cannon. Archie tells them off for complaining. For some reason, despite the silly hat, pony tail, English accent and the fact he ends up covered in manure, he really reminds me of Lee here. I love him in this little scene. He's cheerful, wry and self-deprecating. 'From Acting Lieutenant to Commander of a dung cart in no more than a step. My career's looking up.' He's such a happy soul. There is no possible way this could all go wrong. No way.

Edrington invites Horatio to advance with him. On horse-back. Oh happy day! Horatio looks askance and the horse isn't best pleased either. Archie and Edrington share a smirk as Horatio attempts to mount the horse. I die and go to heaven.

Another pretty shot of the four ships as they head off to take the General's main force round the bay. Major My Lord, Dung-cart Commander Kennedy and Frankie Dettori lead their men towards the village of Muzillac.

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 4.**

 **Any sort of enthusiasm or earnestness is to be treated with disdain. You are a professional and have a job to do; it is unseemly to actually care.**

Horatio leaves Archie and the boys to defend the bridge. This cannot possibly go wrong. Horatio and Edrington accompany Moncoutant to the village for happy fun time. Horatio spots a pretty peasant girl and they exchange Significant Looks.

Moncoutant strides about the village, eyes bulging, pistol firing. The People have been using his paintings for firewood (um, why? there are trees everywhere). Heads will roll. Literally.

Shoot the kid, Colonel. He's too stupid to live. You would be doing the gene pool a favour.

The General's men march inland. Seven people and a dog cheer their arrival.

Styles, Matthews and Oldroyd set up gunpowder at the bridge. Archie stares into the water, his earlier cheerfulness nowhere to be seen. All is not well in the mind of Mr Kennedy.

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 5.**

 **Steal all the best lines. If you want to win the Battle of the Blonds you will need more than cynicism in your arsenal, especially when your opponent is starting to look like he needs a hug. A line like 'No artillery would dare to cross here and if they did my Mama could beat them off with her parasol' should put you ahead.**

'Damn this animal. What it needs is a rudder.' 'Show it who's master, Mr Hornblower.' 'I don't need to, it knows.' I know I sometimes complain about the writing in Hornblower, and it is decidedly dodgy at times, but they do produce some gems.

All the chopping about between scenes and story lines is getting irritating, especially from the point of view of writing this commentary. All the Pellew stuff is a waste of time. Why does he spend the entire episode working out that the whole thing was doomed from the start when he'd already worked that out five minutes in, along with the rest of us? Is he suffering some weird amnesia? For the sake of my sanity I will summarise this part of the story here: General de Charette leads his men in an assault on Quiberon that the French knew was coming; the plans hadn't fallen into a parallel dimension after all. Everyone dies except Mr Bowles. Pellew angsts throughout. That's pretty much it.

Horatio and Edrington dine with Moncountant and his officers. Edrington is diplomatic with their host; Horatio, not so much. 'Was this simple creature put on this earth to teach grammar?' That simple creature? No, she probably wasn't. Oh, how I yearn for Kitty Cobham.

 **  
Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 6.**

 **Only 3 facial expressions are permitted - deadpan, smirk and sneer. Any emotion that cannot be portrayed with these 3 expressions isn't worth bothering about. A slight quirk of the eyebrows may be used in extreme circumstances.**

Horatio and Mariette discuss her fears. It is an intense scene as she opens her heart to this handsome stranger. Their eyes meet, their lips move closer as he holds her in his arms. He looks deep into her eyes. 'I will protect you'. They kiss and the earth moves. Clouds part and celestial light shines down on the beautiful passionate scene, heavenly choirs sing songs of praise at the depth of emotion they are witnessing, the intractable forces of war and time are as nothing in the face of their overwhelming love. Oceans boil, mountains rise and an eternity passes before they break their smouldering kiss. Or, you know, not. Frankly, he has more chemistry with the horse.

Archie is staring moodily at the water again. Oh, Archie * ~~ravishes~~ hugs him*. Matthews comes up to him. 'Begging your pardon, sir, is everything alright?' I love Matthews. I love him for caring, I love him for noticing. I love Archie for earning his respect enough for him to care and notice. I love that he has a relationship with the men that allows them to ask. I love that Matthews still sounds respectful - not patronising, just concerned. I love that for a brief second Archie looks like he might actually tell Matthews what's bothering him.

Horatio tucks Mariette into bed and then sits in a chair all night. WTF? I've seen Sharpe, I know what goes on. Different girl in every village, those boys. But Horatio? Not so much as a quick grope. I thought Navy boys were supposed to get it whenever they could after all their time at sea, not a woman in sight. I know she has all the charisma of a three-week-old head of lettuce but she's pretty enough. She'd do. I can only conclude that he and Archie have been at it like rabbits and so he has no need of vapid French girls.

The sound of cannon-fire jolts Horatio and Mariette out of their slumber. 'What is it?' 'It's ~~my love calling me to him~~ the bridge'. Horatio tears off towards the river, where all hell has broken loose.

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 7.**

 **Do not shout. Ever. Mere mortals may need to shout and scream to be heard over the pounding of cannon but really, a slight rise in volume and a slightly crisper delivery is all that ought to be required.**

Edrington returns to his post at the ford, the Navy boys continue to man the bridge. Archie freaks out about freaking out. Horatio's attempt at comfort is less than comforting, but Archie seems slightly comforted. Strange. Horatio goes to see Edrington again. Really Horatio, you can't keep playing the field like this. Someone is going to get hurt.

Horatio attempts walking with Edrington-like calm while being shot at. He doesn't _quite_ pull it off. 'Your own concerns there last night. I trust they were concluded satisfactorily.' I can't decide if Edrington is smirking (more than usual) because he assumes Horatio had it away with the French girl, or because he realises that Horatio is so wet that he doesn't actually know what to do with a girl when he has one.

'Keep your head or you will lose it, is that understood?' *sigh* Nothing really to say except *sigh*. Strong, resilient Archie is coming to the fore again.

Edrington leads his men across the ford. If there's an easily crossable ford then why are they making such a big deal about being stuck on the wrong side of the bridge? Never mind. I forgot, the plot isn't really that important. Or comprehensible.

Horatio rushes to Mariette's schoolroom. 'I needed to see you'. Why Horatio, were you so overcome with desire that you just had to have her right the hell now? Oh, no. You just wanted to pump her for information. Just admit it Horatio, you're not remotely interested and she's not worth the fuss.

Horatio leaves Moncountant to his fate. Good man! Of course, he will undo this shortly by, er, coming back. But never mind.

Styles bucks up Oldroyd. I like this little scene. I like the friendship between the men and the parallel with Horatio talking Archie around earlier. There's a nice little look of understanding that passes between Archie and Oldroyd.

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Stealing the Scene, Rule 8.**

 **Make an unexpected entrance. Others may be slowly losing their minds as they sit and do nothing, but you and your horse should strut coolly across the bridge as if you were on a catwalk.**

'My Lord, it seems the emigres have had enough.' Ah, snarky Archie is back. All is well.

'Let us hope he does not abandon his customary caution.' When has Edrington seen Horatio behaving cautiously? He's acted like a complete lunatic for the entire episode.

Archie informs Styles of their impending doom extremely calmly. Go Archie! Oldroyd takes it pretty well too.

Horatio persuades Mariette to leave with him. God help us.

Archie can't light the fuse. He can't condemn his friend to death. Have I mentioned that I love him? I love Matthews for offering to do it instead. Have I mentioned that I love Matthews? I love the others for not judging. Have I mentioned that I love the others? Because I do. It's all so good. He's looking at it and he wants to be able to do it because he should be able to do it because he's an officer and he should be able to do what's needed but he just _can't_ because it's Horatio and he hates it and it's all right there on his face and in his eyes... *flails*. I just love it. I don't even care about the fact that it's all pointless because there's a bloody ford about 2 yards up the river that he can cross just as easily.

Mariette gets shot. Perhaps the less said about this bit the better. I think the screaming wouldn't be so bad if the relationship had been believable.

  
 **Archie Kennedy's Guide to Reclaiming the Episode From Thieving Aristocrats Who Think They Can Just Waltz in and Take Over.**

 **Confound all expectations. Your commanding officer has thus far only seen you panicking or sniping. To really pull the rug out from under him you need something big. A dramatic sprint across a bridge in defiance of orders to heroically rescue your friend from a loud explodey death should do the trick. If you can make your commanding officer look a little watery around the eyes you're in clover.**

I realise this shouldn't be my main concern at this moment, what with the heroic rescue and the grief and the fact that they're all probably going to die anyway, but why is Archie wearing dark trousers?

  
 **Lord Edrington's Guide to Trying to Steal The Scene Back From Upstart Naval Officers.**

 **Have emotions. No, really. After being cooler than a cucumber in the Arctic for the entire episode it is not only acceptable but desirable that you look slightly, only slightly, upset as you tell your subordinates to look after each other. You might even be able to make people forget that you've just had the episode stolen right back from you. Maybe. Possibly. Perhaps.**

They make their last stand on the beach. 'One more step and I'll see you in Hell'. Oh dear. It was all going so well. Kind of. I mean, the plotting is appalling but the actual words have been good. Until now. Mr Bowles joins them on the beach after escaping the massacre at Quiberon. The men all cheer. Yay! Bowlesy! You've come to die with us!

The French reach the beach about ten seconds after the English do. Apparently they had no trouble getting over the river. The river that was going to cut them all off and leave them stranded, the river that Horatio couldn't possibly cross and thus would be left to die horribly. Right. *headdesk*

The infantry fire just as cannon booms out. I really want them all to look at their guns like the librarian in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. But alas, they don't.  They know it's the Bloody Indy! Hurrah! Saved at the last moment! Who'd have thought it, eh?

The men re-board the Indy and Horatio goes off to have his obligatory heart-to-heart talk with Pellew. Archie looks worriedly after him. Don't worry Archie, he'll be fine. He didn't really care about her anyway.

Horatio sobs his heart out to Pellew. Pellew gives him a speech about duty. Horatio is happier by the end of it. It really didn't take him long to get over her, did it? He also appears to have temporarily got over his fear of heights as they sail off into the sunset. good job, young man!

  
What to say about this episode? There are many things wrong with it, the plot-hole of doom regarding the bridge and the ford only being the start. The plot is all over the place, Pellew seems to have developed dementia, Horatio's girlfriend may as well have been played by my cat, and don't even get me started on the clumsily-handled Revolutionary political stuff. I've just realised that in writing up this commentary I've missed out what should be pretty important plot-points, like the deaths of de Charette and Moncoutant. You know why? Because I didn't care. The only things I really care about in this episode are Archie and the men, Horatio and Edrington. 

Edrington. Isn't he brilliant? He starts off an uptight aristocrat who thinks very little of Horatio and Archie and ends up, erm, an uptight aristocrat who thinks quite a lot of Horatio and Archie. Unfortunately, I don't really understand how that's happened. I can understand how he ends up respecting Archie; he sees him go from panicked and scared to heroic and capable. He tells him to look after Horatio, obviously understanding that he is up to the task. But why does he end up respecting and caring about Horatio, who behaves wildly out of character in this episode? I actually have no problem with that - everyone behaves differently in this as they react to hanging around, waiting and being powerless. That's fine. But Edrington behaves as though Horatio is acting as he normally does when in fact he's actually behaving, well, more like Archie. Running off at the mouth without a thought for the consequences, speaking up when perhaps it would be wiser not to, making his opinion of Moncoutant abundantly clear. It's all very Archie. Which, again, is fine. But then, why does Edrington refer to Mr Hornblower's 'customary caution'? He's never _seen_ his customary caution. How is running around with a girl who is essentially the enemy cautious? Is Edrington taking on faith what others have told him about Horatio? Because that doesn't seem like something he would do. Maybe he's seen the previous episodes.

Archie. I love that he's not okay. The writing in Hornblower may leave a lot to be desired at times but the characterisation is generally spot on, notwithstanding the little Edrington blind spot mentioned above. Archie has been though absolute hell more than once and it takes time to recover from that, even with his extraordinary resilience. We get to see that here. He's a lot better than he was but he's still not right and he just doesn't have the mental strength to endure all that _waiting_.

Horatio. WTF, Horatio, get it together would you?

Matthews, Styles and Oldroyd. Keep up the good work.

There's a lot to like in this episode. Our regular characters are ticking along nicely; screwing up, learning, developing. I like that they all, even Pellew, kind of lose it in this episode (except Matthews and Styles) and react really badly to what's going on around them. I like the theme of being becalmed and how it messes with their heads. And of course there's Edrington, showing them how it should be done. I just wish these brilliant characters could have had the story they deserve instead of the one they got. And that Mariette had been played by someone, anyone, else.


End file.
